First Love Story. First Lesson.

Somehow I feel my goal in life is to leave a print in people’s lives, to inspire you and what better way than sharing with you my point of view from my own experiences? Often on social media we only see the good, the happiest periods in someone's life but there is much more and I personally love to see the good parts too, they drive me to pursue that but our own journey is often less sparkling.

I was almost 17, a very stubborn, “know what she wants” ( I thought so, still do ) young lady that just came back from a summer vacation with my colleagues. That evening we decided to go to a pizza with the group that was formed during the holidays. I remember I was very appreciated by my male friends, yet no one interested me, not even in the slightest form, I considered them too young for me. I was preoccupied with everything except relationships, or else. I was among the latest girls in highschool that had never kissed before :))) 

That particular evening marked the beginning of my first love story and let me tell you why.

Next to our table there was this long dinner table with 12, not actually 11 Italian men and 1 Romanian. 

I felt watched all night and I knew they were talking about me and believe that didn’t embarrass me at all. Actually I found it obvious.

I already knew back then that my presence would never cross unnoticed, so at some point after I came back from the bathroom, Petrica, the waiter came to me at the table and told me that one of the guys at the table requested if possible my phone nb. Guys, I didn’t even had a cell phone, that night was the first time my mom borrowed me her rock, a Nokia 5110 🙂I look straight at the guy that I already knew that was him to ask my number and then I replied to my friend : 

“I’m not sharing my personal info. Tell him that if destiny wants to meet again probably I will be there for lunch the next day”

That night I stayed for 20 min and after I left home in my little black dress and my mom’s 12 cm high heels sandals…Not long after I realised I had a problem. I, indirectly made myself with the first “date” and believe it or not i did everything like a joke. Of course I wasn’t forced to go but something pulled me towards trouble. I think I had a thing for that …

Called my neighbour\friend\brother and told him the whole situation. Since he was older than me I convinced him to join me and we didn’t even arrive well at the restaurant so he raised his eyes  and I remember him telling me: “You know that this is my boss, right?”

I was like wtf? He’s too young to be in a leading position.I found out later that he was working there with his mother. To make it short we had a drink and then I left with my friend. The situation was pleasant yet a bit uncomfortable for us.

Arriving home that day my mom was at the door of our flower shop waiting for me with a big bouquet of red roses and the “Look”. I didn't even enter the shop well  when the phone rang and she told me: it’s for you…She waited for me to end the call and then “ who is this? How old is he?”

I told her how we met and all the info that she later had to confirm herself from my best friend, just to make sure I told her the truth. Don’t get her wrong but when a secretary asks about your 17 years old daughter to pass her on the phone you’d worry too 😂

We begun to seriously date and the following period was very beautiful. I was feeling those insects people call butterflies in my stomach for the first time ever.It’s pointless to describe the first time he asked me for a kiss at the end of a dinner, in front of my mom’s building when I turned and gave him a kiss on the cheek and he turned my head and put that dragon of a tongue in my mouth. I was “fuck me” what do i DO NOW? Of course I didn’t tell him I never kissed anyone before… he invited me to “dance”? So I danced. 

Until now all good, all happy. I was unaware of his personality because I was much younger ( almost 8 years difference) so he knew very well how to take me. From the beginning he was: “  if you don’t do like this I will look somewhere else” 

“If you don’t act like this I might be upset” 

When you are so young and the love hits your brain so hard, believe me it’s hard to see the truth.

The first months overall were beautiful until he started to mention his mother,and the problems he had every time he had a serious relationship. I tried to ignore and let the time decide also cause I didn't care about something even more serious. She was extremely overprotecting and when I say so, believe me she was to the extremes, controlling and possesive.My way of not giving a fuck in general and moving through my path with a bit of nonchalance made her even worse until she developed an obsession with me. She wanted me out of his life at any cost.

I ignored that too until I couldn’t. She used to come to my street, my school, and she followed me everywhere. She even came and threatened my mom with a knife. Everyone in the city knew about my personal status so I went by myself alone to the police and applied for a restriction order against her. I got it so from now on she couldn’t came close to me or my mom without risking jail.

She took him everything, the job, the car, the clothes…..everything.

She punished him because he didn’t obey. He left home.. at the beginning he stayed with his former girlfriend ( of course behind my back but even at that moment I didn't judge. I loved him and forgave him, I believed in his words.) 

After a while we talked together with my mom and I asked him what he does want to do?At that moment I was looking at a desperate young man, traumatised and what I wanted was to help him find the right path. To be as understanding as I could.

We lived in my mom’s house for almost a year until I went to University. Scandals followed under another form…she was never quiet and I ignored all the signs because I thought it was my duty to save him.

My loves, this is the biggest bullshit one could say to ourselves!!! Trust my word. I had to arrive at 40 to understand that the only duty is towards ourselves. Face our own demons.

When I arrived in Bucharest I faced a new world, felt the thrill of being in a big city with new possibilities. During this whole time he was still living at my mom’s house and I was starting to get impatient to see him doing something. I mean I knew the efforts my mom was doing for me and deep inside I couldn’t allow him to live with a goal only cause his mother made his life impossible, We started fighting over this and soon he found a friend that was building a house in Bucharest and he came to watch the works.I had the best conditions but I was sleeping on a polyester improvised bed in a whole house just to be together.

He was a spoiled child that had everything and that lost everything the next day. I had that in mind as a justification for his behaviour.

He became toxic as his mom in time, forcing me to accept whatever was he decided and if not not he would make use of verbal violence. He never hit me but he broke 3 phones during our relationship, a door, a wall … I stayed as much as I could trying to fix him, I tried to make him see his worth, we moved together in 50m square, I did everything I could to save our love because deep inside I have always appreciated that he chose me.

In the following years he became restrictive, possessive, verbally violent,controlling. I saw myself in a continuous challenge to find ways to do my way without letting him know.

I found comfort in my study and my new job. He found one too so apparently things were good.

We were earning very well and slowly we bought many things for the house.I didn’t care too much about the money so I let him be in charge of everything. One day for wanting a brush from Carrefour he left me there telling me we have no resources and stepped in the car and fought back. Of course he threatened me with sticking my head to the window.

I knew deep inside it was the end and for the next two and half years I did all the things I knew he hated in order to make him leave me. Methodically like a surgeon because I knew our relationship wasn’t healthy.

He reestablished his relationship with his mother in the next months and my glass filled up when I found out that he was using my salary to build his house in the same building as his mother  behind my back.

I never told him I knew… I just did my things until one day he came home  and told me that maybe it is better to take a break. I packed my clothes, the rest I left everything to him.

I never put a price on things, I started all over again NEW.

Was it difficult?

Yes.

He was just a traumatised young man, abandoned by his biological father and grew up with a violent step dad and a controlling mother. He responded to life in the way he understood at that time.

He hurt me a lot with betrayals, actions, words  but also looking back to the past I have learned a lot through this experience.We loved each other but sometimes you need to realise that you have your on duty to overcome your traumas and your parents mistakes.I searched for the protection I didn’t have from my father and accepted things that I shouldn't for the fear of abandonment.

And when something becomes toxic and there’s no willingness to change you must understand that you need to move on from that situation. If I would have remained I would only have made the situation worse.

This story is way more complex than it seems but see the positive side. He got married after 1 month 😂

This Loves, is ACCEPTANCE for what a situation is, but knowing also that it’s within us the duty to move forward. We all have a choice and our parents actions don’t define us but ourselves . I learned that when someone is not willing to change it’s not my job to make them see their worth and their infinite possibilities.

And there are for sure people out there fearless just like me in the pursuit of their true selves. I believe that with all my heart.